A man wakes up on a cold plastic mattress, his mind is cloudy and groggy from the medication he was given. He has nothing on but scratchy stiff paper boxer shorts. He is shivering uncontrollably, taking in the small cold cell he’s been placed in. The longer he’s awake the more it settles in on him what happened. He can’t believe he lost control.

About 18 hours earlier Damian DePauw had a mental breakdown. He lost control, assaulting a co-worker which led him to be stripped of all his belongings laying on the cold prison mattress, with a guard watching his every move. As he sat there the images of the past 18 hours rushed over him.

“I woke up and I didn’t have anything, they took everything out of my cell,” said DePauw. “I was conscious of what happened and I was back to myself again. I felt horrible about the danger I may have posed to people and I felt horrible about what this was going to do to my life now.”

DePauw was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when he was 18, a disease he learned to control and monitor as an adult. When he was first diagnosed he was told he would never live a normal life.

“When I was first hospitalized my symptoms were so severe they said I might never live a normal life,” said DePauw. “I would never be able to keep a job and be successful. They said I might have to be on disability for the rest of my life and I might have to accept some compromised version of what my hopes and dreams are for the future. What made me successful is that I never bought into that I never believed that. I always did what I wanted to do. I think that has helped me over the years persevere despite having challenges. If you buy into that, if you believe and say, well this is my life and not do anything then that’s what your destiny will be because you accept that. You have to see past the diagnosis and keep believing and keep working towards your dreams.”

When he had his break down at 32 years old he was the director of crisis diversion and training at his job at PEOPLE, Inc. assisting and advocating for others struggling with mental illnesses. He was under a lot of stress and put too much on his plate ignoring the warning signs of an episode that would completely change his life.

“My son was not a year old and I was trying to make more money so I asked the executive director for a promotion to support my family,” said DePauw. “I was in the position only a few months and was taking home a lot of work with me. I had some of my classic warning signs, which I was having trouble sleeping. I was off medication for three years and had no symptoms. I should have taken a couple days off to make sure I had sleep and some rest, but I continued to push myself until I eventually became delusional.”

DePauw went to work that morning convinced his co-worker was plotting to stab and kill him. He assaulted her in what he thought was self defense at the time. As he was taken in for questioning he tackled the five correctional officers in the elevator.

“I was in the elevator, and I had a delusion they were taking me to hell and I would be stuck there unless I could get back out,” said DePauw. “I thought there were different levels to hell, I thought I was being taken further and further down. If I didn’t fight the worse it was going to be for me and the harder it was going to be for me to get out. They had to put me in restraints and eventually medication.”
DePauw was charged with a felony, he was offered a plea bargain with a three year sentence. He felt lost in a place surrounded by murderers, rapists and gang members. He spent his three years dreaming about the day he would get released, the day he would be able to hold his girlfriend without being reprimanded by a guard.

“After years of being there, it was a world of possibilities,” said DePauw. “Just the feeling of being able to look at the horizon and know I could walk as far as I wanted to and no one could stop me, that was incredible. You don’t know how it feels to constantly be cooped up and you’re not allowed to go any further. Just the feeling that I could do whatever I wanted to again, I could dream again, that was amazing.”

As happy as he was to get out of prison DePauw had a long road ahead of him. He lost his job, his home, everything because of his breakdown. He went with his now wife and sat in Newburgh Ministry all day completing the intake forms because he had no place to go.

“That first day when I got out I had to sit at the Newburgh Ministry for a long time to do intake because I didn’t have anywhere to go, and she sat there with me the whole time,” said DePauw. “We hadn’t been able to spend time during visitation we could only spend an hour or two. When I got out it was incredible, we could do what we want. We sat in Newburgh Ministry watching TV and holding hands. That was really nice, I was happy to do just that. That was an upgrade from where I had previously been.”

DePauw was homeless for a while until he moved in with family and saved enough money working in construction to get back up on his feet. He couldn’t go back into the mental health industry with a felony, so he had to start at the bottom and build his way back up.

While doing construction he started to volunteer as a mental wellness advocate and go to conferences on his free time. His volunteer work  for the Newburgh Mental Health Clinic eventually lead to a part time job and then a full time job for Independent Living Inc. He eventually made his way back to his passion of helping other people with similar struggles succeed like he did.

To make sure he does not get sick again DePauw monitors his symptoms closely, his first and most prominent sign is inability to sleep. If he notices a lack of sleep he will immediately take medication and find ways to decrease his stress levels. He has plans set in place in case he does lose control again.

“For anyone who this is just starting to happen, I would say don’t try to shrug it off, look at it for what it is and accept it,” said DePauw. “Get advice, talk to a professional, a lot of people don’t like to admit it, it’s a hard thing to accept. If you address the problem that’s when you will be able to move on with your life, and then the sky’s the limit. You can do anything you set your mind to, there’s no difference between you and anyone who is ‘normal’. There’s maintenance that you need to stay well but as long as you do those things you can do whatever it is you want to.

DePauw recently left his job at Independent Living Inc.  to work full-time for his own non-profit organization called Impact Inc. He created a Newburgh Timebank called Together We Can Timebank where people can volunteer their time on a points system and get compensated by services from other Timebank members. 

If you or anyone you know is struggling with a mental health disorder you can contact the Mobile Mental Health Hotline at 1-800-832-1200. You can also visit The Newburgh Mental Health Clinic at 280 Broadway, Suite 200, or call them at 562-7326.